The Bamboo Gods Project: James Bone: Agent 001 (1987)

1987 – James Bone: Agent 001 (Jonrox Films/Larry Santiago Productions)

[Exact release date unknown, possibly around 1st January 1987]

Director/Fight Instructor Ruben Ramos Story Willie Deato Screenplay/Associate Director Ric Acasio Producer “Umo” Line Producer Verseo Octavo Cinematography Rudy Quijano Music Ding Lamano Editor Samuel Domondon Sound Technician Tony Faustino Sound Effects Ben Samson Production Supervisor/General Manager Ricky Santiago Production Manager Wilfredo Mendoza Production Controller Simie Dolano Production Consultant Mennen Santiago In Charge of Administration Rosanna Manalaysay Art Designer Nilda Rendaje Effectsman Adis San Pedro Makeup Artist Ester Cayabyas Settingman Mamerto Valerio Assistant Cameraman Rodel Quijano Clapper Jessie Quijano Head Driver Ruben Bitancor Utility Allan Paradero Material Trustee Rex Romero Caterer Esperanza Agang Legman Raul Segarra Dubbing Editors Arceno Collado, Danny Collado Stillman Tony Roxas Layout Artist Eddie Domer Credit Titles Lauro Romero PRO Tino Vellya Sales Manager Ador Baligaya Account Executive Jomar Laurel Advertising Manager Jay Torres Accountant Jun Gahutan Collector Joselito Exito Shipping in Charge Ramon Soriano Shipper Boy Faustino

Cast Palito (James Bone), Melissa Mendez (Sabrina), Charlie Davao (Viller), Joaquin Fajardo (Crooked Finger), Don Pepot (Scientist), Ruben Ramos (Swordsman), Eddie Llaneta (Boy Macho), Clarissa Mojer (Odessa), Jon Jon, Komander Jack Angels Liza Mojica, Fe Timbol, Mary Joy Warren, Femmy Mojica, Rizza Borja, Jessica Fabros, Marte Mojica, Camea Amor, Rona Denaga Goons Romy Nario (Romy, Sabrina’s Henchman), Joe Andrade (Joe, Sabrina’s Henchman), Larry Esguerra, Torling, Roland Falcis [as Rolland Falcis] (Crooked Finger’s Henchman), Jay Grama (Crooked Finger’s Goon), Boy Sta. Ana, Cris Aguilar, Leo Gamboa, Robert Allan, Jess Bonzo, Benny May, Boy Ranai, Tony Roxas, Omay Rivera, Geron Vega, Sir William, George Tormeda, Cesar de Paz, Bobo Cruz, Tonton Kishanni, Dalton de Castro, Boy Bernal, Jun Silda, Peddy May

SPY/ACTION/COMEDY

STOLEN MUSIC ALERT!!! “West End Girls” by Pet Shop Boys [around 0.50.00], Donna Summer’s “Romeo” [around 0.55.00], and Cycle V’s “Seduce Me Tonight” [originally on the Flashdance soundtrack, and now in a Palito film at around 1.05.00]

"Anatomy Of A Skeletal Goon Comedy Part Two: James Bone" review by Andrew Leavold [Part One: No Blood No Surrender review is HERE]

Barely as soon as No Blood No Surrender’s end credits had faded, its producers Jonrox Films and distributor Larry Santiago Productions commissioned a further Palito starrer, this time as a beanpole secret agent: James Bone, Agent 001 (because he’s thin like a number one…get it? Good, let’s move on...). No Blood…'s writer, bald goon actor Ruben Ramos, was promoted to the director's chair, presiding over a budget even more wretched that the film could've been projected on the wooden slats of a chicken house and still not lose money.

James Bone's talking car. KITT it ain't.

In the opening scene, a crime boss is gunned down by an unseen assassin. As a result, three underworld rivals meet to argue over who will be the next Godfather. The chubby and sweaty Crooked Finger (Joaquin Fajardo) and Boy Macho (Eddie Llaneta) are about to set their goons on each other, when the gorgeous Sabrina (Melissa Mendez) suggests a contest, the winner brings in the Syndicate's biggest headache: James Bone, Secret Agent 001. Debonair in his bone-tight silk suit, James is the country's top crime fighter, a ladies’ man AND karate expert with no need for any visible gadgets other than a talking Datsun (thank you Knight Rider!). Even though he lives with his mother, he manages to bring one wide-eyed young lady back to his boudoir. "You might be hospitalized out of shock with what I've got," he warns her, before taking off his bath robe. "Can you handle this?" Apparently not, as she takes one glance at his naked crotch and passes out on the bed.

Head Goons: Crooked Finger (Joaquin Fajardo) and Boy Macho (Eddie Llaneta)

With Ramos - former stuntman and character actor in over twenty years of action films, at the helm of James Bone, you'll understand just how the term "Goon Comedy" applies to much of the Philippines' comic output: equal amounts of bona fide goon-centric action scenes to comedy, if not more. In James Bone, it translates into one endless fight scene after another, as waves of goons - first Boy Macho's, then Crooked Finger's - are thrown at the hapless, befuddled Bone, giving as much screen time needed for the audience to fully gawp at his unfeasably skinny frame going through its gyrations. Naturally he has some serious body armour to protect his ribs and twig arms, as well as a bag of dirty tricks such as poking one bodybuilder's eyes out, then punching them in the crotch; in another scene, Bone punches a goon, they drop to the floor, and Palito suddenly grabs his broken hand and cries out, "Waaaaaaaah!!!"

Bone puts the squeeze on director Ruben Ramos

Weng Weng fans will remember Ruben Ramos as the bald goon sitting on a bed, complaining to Yehlen Catral how his gang had bungled a hit on Agent OO ("Now you'll get a bullet in your belly, Lola…this is it, kid!"). Ramos naturally puts in appearance waving around a samurai sword in front of Palito in a warehouse punch-up, and Romy Nario, another For Y'ur Height Only baddy ("There's a lot of dough in this dough…the butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker!") plays one of Boy Macho's henchmen. Other guest stars also get their ten minutes: top-billed Charlie Davao, ever the convincing kontrabida, fences with the unbleeding Bone, while Don Pepot as a scientist tries to sell Bone a pair of x-ray specs at a beerhouse, and their scene degenerates quickly into two aging vaudevillians snickering over naked people making out.

Comedy Gold? Mould, more like, and the rest of the film is covered in dense matting of it too. You can’t help the feeling that the Philippines’ army of stuntmen and bit-players had already conquered the spy parody with For Y’ur Height Only, and that James Bone is a poverty-stricken and utterly unworthy successor, but that would be unkind. And if you are capable of not only buying into Palito's well-worn schtick, but also peeking past the spectacle into the heart of a sad clown, fragile man and genuinely funny entertainer, then you too will love the sight of an anorexic beating up the ever-rolling Goon Parade as much as I do. Actually, on deeper reflection, it is in fact Gold.